by Valerie Harkins, Director of the Maternity Housing Coalition

Imagine for a moment living in a world where every word, gesture, and decision is controlled by someone else. It sounds terrifying, right? Unfortunately, for many people, this is their reality in relationships. Domestic violence isn’t just about the bruises you can see; it often hides in more subtle, yet powerful ways that can shatter a person’s spirit. As leaders and workers in maternity housing, understanding these hidden dynamics is crucial if you want to support the residents in your care effectively. One helpful tool to guide us in this understanding is the Power and Control Wheel, which reveals the various tactics abusers use to dominate their partners.

What is the Power and Control Wheel?

The Power and Control Wheel* breaks down the different tactics abusers employ. Sure, physical violence is often the most visible form of abuse, but it usually stems from a pattern of other controlling behaviors. Here are some key parts of the wheel:

- Coercion and Threats: This is all about using fear or intimidation to control someone, like threatening to hurt them or their loved ones.

- Emotional Abuse: Think of it as undermining someone’s self-worth through insults or manipulation.

- Economic Abuse: This is where one partner controls the money to keep the other from being independent.

- Using Children: Sometimes abusers will use the kids to manipulate their partner, making threats about custody or using them as pawns.

These tactics often work together to create a cycle of abuse that can feel impossible to escape. By recognizing these patterns, we can offer better support to the residents in our care.

Spotting Signs of Domestic Violence

As you interact with residents, keep an eye out for signs that they might be experiencing control in their relationships. Here are a few things to watch for:

- Changes in Behavior: If someone seems anxious, scared, or withdrawn, especially when discussing their partner, that’s a red flag.

- Isolation: Notice if a resident seems cut off from friends or family as this can indicate they’re feeling alone. This is often a result of gaslighting and manipulation in conversations with her boyfriend about others in her life. 

- Money Worries: If a resident appears confused about their finances or expresses anxiety about money, it might point to economic abuse. Please be particularly cognizant if the resident has past experience in the sex industry in any manner.

Creating an Educational Plan

Recognizing the signs is just the beginning. We need to create a plan to help residents understand these patterns in their own relationships. Here’s how we can do that:

- Workshops and Discussions: Host regular sessions where residents can learn about what makes a relationship healthy or unhealthy, using the Power and Control Wheel as a guide.

- Handouts and Resources: Provide easy-to-read materials that can help residents reflect on their situations.

- Casual Conversations: Encourage open discussions about relationships. Creating a safe space for sharing thoughts and feelings is key.

Be Gentle and Sensitive

When discussing domestic violence, it’s essential to approach the topic with sensitivity. For many residents, these controlling behaviors may be all they’ve ever known. Here are some ways to keep the conversation gentle:

- Make It Normal: Frame relationship discussions as something everyone or many people experience, not just a problem for a select few.

- Acknowledge Difficult Feelings: It can be overwhelming to learn about these patterns. Validating their feelings will help build trust.

- Take It Slow: Introduce concepts of power and control in small, digestible pieces, giving residents time to process everything.

Keep the Conversation Going

Encourage residents to notice when relationship boundaries are crossed by having ongoing conversations. Invite them to share their thoughts and experiences as they learn what makes a relationship healthy. Over time, this will help them develop a natural awareness of these important issues.

As leaders and workers in maternity housing, you play a vital role in helping residents understand their relationships. By recognizing the signs of domestic violence and creating educational plans, you empower residents to stand up for themselves and break the cycle of abuse. With kindness and continuous conversations, you can create a supportive environment that fosters healing and growth. Together, we can make a difference!

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*Power and Control Wheel:

Copyright by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project
202 East Superior Street, Duluth, MN, 55802
218-722-2781